We often believe we’re teaching our children about money when we hand them an allowance, open a savings account in their name or help them plan a budget. And while these are important steps, the most powerful financial lessons our children receive are the ones we don’t realize we’re giving.
Every day, our children are observing how we handle money. They’re listening to how we talk — or don’t talk — about finances. They’re noticing whether money is treated with stress or with confidence, secrecy or openness.
Long before they ever balance a checkbook or apply for a loan, they’ve already formed deep impressions based on the behaviors and emotional cues they’ve witnessed at home.
And sometimes, those cues land far differently than we intend.
When I was 9 years old, I overheard my parents having what seemed to be a very serious conversation. They were talking quietly, but I caught just enough to hear something like, “We’re struggling financially — I’m not sure we have enough money.”
I now realize they might have been talking about a purchase they wanted to make — something desirable, not essential. But in my 9-year-old mind, it sounded desperate and scary. I was the oldest of four girls, and I immediately assumed we might not be able to make ends meet.
That night, I gathered my sisters — ages 8, 5 and 3 — and whispered, “Here’s what we’re going to do.” I explained what I had overheard and told them it was time for us to help.
“No more candy and trinkets,” I said. At the time, we might have received a quarter a week if we were lucky. “We’ll save our allowances, sell lemonade, and ask people for jobs.” I didn’t realize we were far too young to babysit or handle real tasks, but I had determination and a Pollyanna vision.
We got to work.
Every Friday after allowance, we’d go to my closet and drop our coins into a large envelope. We asked neighbors if they had small jobs we could do. Some took pity and found things for us. We made lemonade, and our mom, unaware of the backstory, helped us set up a stand. The envelope slowly grew heavy.
The enthusiasm caught on — even my youngest sisters became excited about “helping Mom and Dad.”
On Christmas morning, after we’d opened our gifts, I stepped forward and said, “We have something for you, Mama and Daddy.” I handed over the bulging envelope. “What is this?” they asked, surprised. “I heard you say we didn’t have enough money, so we saved this up. It’s $32.17.”
My mother cried.
They were moved — overcome, really. And later, they sat us down and gently explained that we were, in fact, financially okay. They must have been talking about something specific, they said, not a crisis. They reassured us we were safe, and that we didn’t need to carry that burden.
To this day, I have sweet memories of how we banded together to help. But I also understand now, more than ever, how important it is for parents to be mindful of how they talk about money — especially when children are nearby.
Your emotions are teaching, too
Even when we don’t intend it, our words and emotional tone shape how children feel about money. Saying “We can’t afford that” in a stressed or fearful voice can plant a sense of scarcity and insecurity. Framing it differently — “That’s not how we choose to spend our money right now,” — models calm decision-making.
Children often don’t have the maturity to interpret financial nuance. They take in our emotions and make assumptions, just like I did as a child. And those assumptions can create lasting beliefs about money, safety, and worth.
Actions speak louder than allowances
You might teach your child to save, but what are they learning when they see impulsive spending, avoidance or arguments about money?
Even our silence speaks. If we never talk about money, our kids might assume it’s shameful, secret or too complicated for them to understand.
Model healthy relationship with money
You don’t have to be a financial expert, you just need to be intentional. Here are a few ideas:
—Narrate your decisions. Let them hear: “We’re choosing to wait on this purchase because we have a bigger goal.”
—Share your values. “We give to causes that matter to us, because generosity is part of how we use our money.”
—Normalize emotions — but model calm. “I’m frustrated about this expense, but I know we’ll figure it out.”
—Include them. Let them help plan a budget, prioritize purchases, or choose how to give.
Your financial legacy starts now
Legacy isn’t just about what you leave in a will—it’s what you live and model every day. Your children are learning from you constantly. They’re watching, listening, and internalizing your relationship with money—whether you speak it aloud or not.
So make it a healthy one. Make it honest, hopeful, and values-based. Your children don’t need perfection—they need your presence, your self-awareness, and your willingness to grow.
Because the most lasting financial lessons are the ones we live out loud.
Patti Cotton is a thought partner to CEOs and other business leaders to help manage complexity and change. Reach her at Patti@PattiCotton.com.
