With all the political maneuvering that’s happening right now, it was inevitable that something would leak. And it has. Once again, someone has given me an audio recording of a secret meeting of the people who run California behind the scenes.
As exclusively reported here, the group is made up of 10 environmentalists, three teachers, two bond underwriters, eight plaintiffs’ attorneys, six professionally certified lunatics, the CEO of a candle company, 231 union leaders and one California business leader, calling in from his home in Toronto.
In leaked recordings of previous meetings, the people who run California behind the scenes were heard solving the problem of smash-and-grab robberies by banning getaway cars, averting climate doom with a project labor agreement to build dedicated roller-skate lanes, and meeting with the black-and-white banker from “Citizen Kane” because President Trump hired him to manage California’s financial affairs after seeing him on Turner Classic Movies.
Trump was again the topic of the most recent meeting.
At the start of the leaked recording, the voice of White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt could be heard coming from a TV in the room. “This is our message to Americans in Democrat-run cities nationwide: Decline is a choice. You don’t have to live in constant fear of being robbed, raped or murdered.”
“But constant fear is normal,” said one of the lawyers. “Why is this White House always attacking our norms?”
“Shh, shh,” said a teacher.
“In just a few weeks, President Trump has done more for D.C. residents than Democrats did in 50 years,” Leavitt continued, “and this can be replicated in other crime-ridden cities across the nation.”
“The people of California can sleep well,” said one of the bond underwriters, “secure in the knowledge that she’s not referring to white-collar crime.”
“I just got another text from Adam Schiff,” interrupted one of the union leaders. “What’s everybody doing on this legal defense fund?”
The room fell silent except for the voices from the TV. Finally somebody turned it off.
“So on the crime thing, we’ve dealt with it,” said another union leader. “We had the governor send state law enforcement to a few more cities.”
“State law enforcement?” asked one of the environmentalists. “You mean CARB?”
“California Highway Patrol,” said the union leader.
The environmentalists gasped in unison. “Those carbon-spewing SUVs,” one of them moaned, “on our city streets.”
“Tanks couldn’t be worse,” another one agreed.
“But it’s working,” said the union leader. “We can show the president we’re cracking down on criminals. In just two days, the CHP wrote 672 citations for drivers touching their cell phones while operating a vehicle.”
“Law and order,” said one of the lunatics.
“Yes,” said the union leader. “And 27 of those drivers had outstanding warrants. For unpaid parking tickets.”
“Worst of the worst,” said the lunatic.
“Crime is not the only thing on Trump’s agenda,” said the candle manufacturer. “He’s trying to stop our energy transition. He asked the attorney general to declare our laws crushing oil companies to be unconstitutional.”
“Pre-empted by federal law,” said an attorney.
“Call it whatever you like,” the candle manufacturer said, “but we had a deal.”
“We thought we had a deal with Trump,” said one of the teachers. “But does he honor it? No. We said if he would allow federal funds to buy pornographic books for school libraries, we would make sure that the students did not read them. And we delivered, with one of the lowest literacy rates in the country. Was he satisfied? No. We still can’t have the money. The man’s a barbarian.”
“Did you see that he bulldozed all the homeless encampments in Washington, D.C., and cleared them out in one week?” asked the business leader, speaking on a Zoom connection from Toronto.
There was a long silence.
“How are they living?” a union leader asked softly.
“It hasn’t been easy,” said another union leader. “You can’t just take things away from people. It’s not that easy for a nonprofit homelessness executive to pick up the pieces when a city contract is canceled. The kids’ private school tuition alone, I mean, it’s tough. Do you know how many years some of these people have worked to own a Maserati? And now to lose it?”
“Terrible,” said one of the plaintiff’s lawyers.
“I suppose he’ll do the same thing in L.A. for the Olympics,” said one of the lunatics.
“We won’t allow it,” said a union leader. “We’ll fill every hotel in Los Angeles with unhoused individuals until the Games are over. He’ll never know.”
“Isn’t that what the transit system is for?” asked the business leader.
“I just got an email from the Public Health department,” said one of the union leaders. “There’s an outbreak of flea-borne typhus in L.A. County.”
“Excellent! We’ll close the schools,” said a teacher. “And we’ll demand Medicare-for-All as a condition of reopening.”
“And improved health benefits for education workers, don’t forget,” said another teacher.
“Plus subsidized housing,” said a bond underwriter, “we’ll need a $20 billion housing bond.”
“Constructed by a skilled and trained workforce,” said a union leader. “A $30 billion housing bond.”
“We haven’t even talked about the ICE raids,” said a teacher. “How are we going to get our funding for students who are in other countries?”
“I know!” said one of the lunatics. “Instead of average daily attendance, we’ll base school funding on 20-year average enrollment.”
“That’s crazy,” said the business leader.
“Watch it,” said the lunatic.
“What are we going to do about the High-Speed Rail project?” asked a union leader. “Trump’s funding cuts could mean layoffs. You think it’s easy for animators and watercolor artists to replace those salaries? They have kids in private school, too, you know.”
“We all do,” said a teacher.
“Look, California has its back against the wall,” said the business leader. “We’ll have to burn it down for the insurance money.”
“Absolutely not,” said a union leader. “We haven’t had insurance since Schwarzenegger was governor.”
Write Susan@SusanShelley and follow her on X @Susan_Shelley
